ROMEO LIVES UPSTAIRS

Our upstairs neighbor had been terrorizing us for months with his stomping, slamming, music playing and general loud-ass-ness. 


We had take action when bumping, grinding and moaning were added to the list of offenses. We trudged up to ask him to please, try, please. Keep it down. 


Can you believe it - he had the nerve to ask us out on the spot! Uh-huh. Now we were really surprised. What about the girl he was just doing?


Damn! Guess you can't get in the way of a player, especially if he lives upstairs.

MOVING ON IN

Two years ago on Valentine's Day, we moved in with our boyfriend S. Not really a romantic way to celebrate. But it was a sweet, exciting step to take.

The only plans we had for the day were to do a lot of heavy lifting. 

We were outside loading the truck while S was putting his fridge stuff into a cooler. We walked past and saw that he was trying to quickly hide a box of chocolate covered strawberries inside. 

The surprise was ruined but we were touched. Isn't he a great guy?

A SPECIAL MAN

Photo by Michael Harrison

Last night our hubby came home with flowers for our 2-year old daughter. Three gerber daisies in red paper. How cute is that? She has her first Valentine!


He got us flowers, too. But this was way more exciting.

THE SWEET LIST

We've been lucky to date a lot of really nice, thoughtful guys. But one stands out in particular.

1. We were long distance. A few weeks before Valentine's Day he sent us a box of fortune cookies with these instructions: Eat one a day until V-day, when we would see each other. It didn't take long to realize that each cookie had a custom fortune, ranging from favorite memories we shared, to little things he liked about us. Come on - adorable!

2) Sometimes it's the little things. Once, we stepped out of a shower to find boyfriend waiting for us with freshly heated (with a hairdryer) socks so our feet wouldn't get cold. 

3) He told us we were going to his cousin Tony's wedding in Portland. We drove down, got dressed up and headed to the event - gift in hand. We sat on the groom's side. It took us awhile to realize that this was actually Tony and Tina's wedding, the production! We loved that he tricked us. And had us going for awhile. We thought his "cousin" was nuts!

THE ONE

Photo by Leah Reich via sfgirlbybay

We had been dating T for about four months. We were a single mom and our son's sixth birthday was coming up. We love parties but they can be overwhelming, especially when you're like us and obsess over the most ridiculous details. This particular birthday was putting us over the edge.

T offered to make the party favors. We were touched by the offer. 


Being a control-freak, we normally wouldn't have accepted. But, we were completely overwhelmed and knew it. So we took him up on it. And told ourselves we weren't going to tell him what to do. We were so grateful. 

We expected standard favors - little bags full of candy, leggos, plastic toys, puzzles, etc. Or something.

T arrived with CD’s illustrated with an image of a train. Each one was filled with great kid’s music including “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” by Iz, and were protected in individual colorful CD holders. He passed them out when all of the guests were leaving.

This is when we knew - this man was a serious keeper.

CHOCOLATE-FILLED HEARTS

A few years ago we were single for the first time in seven years on Valentines day. We were dating a lot but nothing serious. We decided to have a non-romantic but not-lonely night with a guy we had been hooking up with off and on. He came over and brought us a flower. We got to it and he left. We admit it, it felt just right.

The next year, we were in a relationship that looked like it could go all the way. We had been dating for about 10 months and it was our first V-day together. He made a big fuss about not liking Hallmark holidays so we expected zilch. 


On Valentines day, a Saturday, we woke up to the most amazing custom-ordered chocolates from our man. We spent the day in bed together, enjoying the chocolate and whatnot. From then on we've called Valentine's the Chocolate Holiday. Not bad, huh? 


Two years later, we're marrying him. And we know what we have to look forward to for the rest of our lives!

SKIPPING A BEAT

This is the story of the Valentine's Day that never was.

One year, we were dating a couple of guys. Sort of. Not really. Our love life was actually quite a sad mess.

And we had been working way too much. We worked our ass off all summer long, never went camping, or to an outdoor concert, or even a picnic. It was all work, allthetime.

We get it. The truth about men who are afraid of commitment is that they disappear a few weeks before Valentine’s Day...and reappear a few days afterward. This was the case that year. 


So, we decided to treat ourself to summer-in-the-middle-of-winter in February with a trip to Australia.


On February 13th, we flew to Sydney, Australia. And in the middle of the night, we crossed the international dateline and instantly it was February 15th.

The plane landed on a bright, happy autumn morning and we recall the bells of St. Mary’s Cathedral ringing to greet us as our taxi took us to the hotel. 

We had completely skipped February 14^th, and it was perfect.

A GREAT STORY WITH A NOT-SO-HAPPY ENDING

Speakeasies are all the rage in Seattle. Last weekend we decided to check one out with a friend. After ringing the doorbell we were greeted by a hostess who led us to our reserved seats. It’s small and oh so cool. You should go.

Scoping out the room, we notice a cute guy. But, he was talking to a couple of other girls. They must be together and we dismissed the idea of meeting an interesting fellow.

Not long after, Cutie came over and started a conversation. Really cute. We swooned.

Turns out he came alone. Lively conversation followed. He mentioned how he and his friends liked to live life to the fullest. We were intrigued. After a night out, they choose:

Option A - Go home and sleep

Option B - Don't end the night, but also don't do anything noteworthy (like head somewhere for an after-hours drink)

Option C - Do something a little crazy and fun, like sneaking up to the penthouse suite of a ritzy hotel and hot tubing until the sun comes up

When our friend went to powder her nose, Cutie asked if we were up for Option C. He suggested a drive to the mountains to throw snowballs and enjoy the first snowfall of the year. We told him we were up for anything. (Really, we thought he was all talk.)

We closed the bar. Guy offered us a ride home. In his 1983 gold Porsche – hello!

We figured that in that car, a bit of kissing would be a possibility. Our friend said goodnight and Cutie asked if we were up for that drive to the mountains.

While the risks did pop into our head (potential murderer, driving into the mountains at 2 am, etc.), adventure trumped doubts.

There was a blanket in the back, and we had a hat and gloves in our bag so we cozied up for the ride ahead. There was no radio but plenty of "getting to know you" conversation. And for some reason Cutie allowed us to go through his wallet (yes, we’re nosy). He actually encouraged, probably due to the fact that we noted he could be a murderer. Out loud.

At the pass it was snowing. Snowballs were thrown. Which led to kissing.

Heading back to the city, Cutie asked what we wanted next. We replied, “What do you want to do?”

“Take you back to my place and have my way with you," he replied. Sigh.

We considered, but it was really, really late. We were tired and while we were interested, we weren't interested enough. So we told Cutie we’d had enough adventure for the night. "Good for you," he said as he patted our leg.

We thanked him for not murdering us.

Back at home but still sitting in the gold Porsche, we waited for him to ask for our number, but he didn't. And we weren’t going to ask for his. With a kiss and a "see you around" we said good night and were confident that not going home with him was the right decision.

We kind of felt alive from the experience. And that was enough.

Curiosity got the best of us and the next day we Googled him. (Knew his first and last name from the wallet browsing, remember?)

Top of the list: Engagement announcement from August.

Could've been a different guy with the same name? Wrong. There was a photo. And, to make it worse, Cutie was getting married in a week.

Ugh. A little guilt for kissing him followed, but how were we supposed to know? 

Which makes us now wonder, do we have to ask every guy we meet if he has a girlfriend? Or, if he's engaged? Is this another thing we need to worry about?

We squashed the urge to send a message via Facebook to his bride. But, now you know – don’t fall for the Cutie with the 1983 Gold Porsche and his adventure story.

OK, STYLE (& MANNERS) DO MATTER

We met Patchwork Jacket on a popular dating website. He was our second "experience." He suggested dinner with some of his friends. Which we thought was a little odd, but said yes anyway.

We arrived on time but seemed to be the last there. It was a group of eight, seated around couches. (Not the most conducive set-up for group chatting, let alone a date.) And Patchwork, a little distracted and hyper, was focused on making sure every last person was entertained. First date-type interaction seemed like a low priority.

Still going with it, we chatted with the nice, calm guy seated next to us.

After dinner, Patchwork and one friend announced they were heading to a nearby bar. We got invited. Since we didn't have anything else planned on this Saturday evening (we’re not in the habit of making back-up plans when we have a date, perhaps we’ll rethink), we went along.

And here’s how he earned his name. 

As we were leaving, Patchwork puts on a blazer made up of various sizes of leather squares, in every level of brown you can imagine, sewn together in an incredible patchwork pattern. Apparently it had been hiding in his man bag. We were alarmed and commented, saying it was colorful. He responded with “it’s my favorite.”

Had the jacket been his first offense of the evening, we might have been more tolerant. But, it wasn’t. And so we decided right then and there – there wasn’t going to be a second date.

At the second bar after a disastrous attempt at dancing with Patchwork Jacket where he also leaned in for a kiss (not good!), we began an illicit flirtation with a hottie who was a great dancer. Patchwork didn’t notice. (Not our proudest moment, but we didn’t get all dressed up for nothing.)

And success! Hot Dancer Guy called the next day. 

A COSMO DON'T

Ever see a pair of undies on the street and wonder how they got there? We'll tell you how.

Ages ago, when we were young and reckless, we read an article in a magazine about how to maintain a spicy sex life. We decided to try.


One night at a party when we were wearing a dress, we went into the bathroom, took off our panties and slipped them into our boyfriend's pocket. Hot, right? 


Until somehow between the party, the cab and our friend's house, our undies ended up on the street. Only to be discovered the next morning when a big group of us headed to brunch. Whoops! 


At the time we were too mortified to swoop them up so they stayed there, in the gutter in front of our friend's apartment. And stayed. And stayed. Until weeks later, when were were back visiting and finally got a moment alone to snag them. 


A footnote: We were reminded of this story when one of our faves told us she'd been tossing a pair of undies into her purse (aka "Shag Bag") lately. This seems a recipe for disaster.


Girl: I'll have a tall nonfat latte, please.
Coffee Guy: That'll be $2.86"
(girl reaches into her bag, undies catch on wallet and go flying, hitting coffee guy in the chest)

ALL FIGURED OUT

The other night we were at a bar with a friend and saw someone familiar. First we thought it might be the lead singer of Maroon 5, but it turned out it was a guy we'd actually met before. Check it:


On Wednesday nights, we have a favorite place for trivia. A local Aussie and Kiwi bar. It's the best. We go to hang out with friends, but sometimes we meet guys...


Once we ended up sitting next to a guy at the bar and we talked a bit. He asked for our number which surprised us because he didn’t seem that interested (or nice), but we figured why not? 

We’ll tell you why not. (Why don't we ever learn this lesson?)

On Friday afternoon he called. He asked what we were up to and if we wanted to hang out that night. We had plans to go to a small classical concert downtown and invited him. We were going solo - why not turn it into a date? He said he needed to figure out what he was up to and he’d call back.

Wait, wasn't "figuring it out" what we were doing? We said, “OK. Give us a call later.” What else do you say?

He called back when we were headed to the concert. He was contemplating joining, but was hedging. We suggested a drink afterward. He said, “Why don’t you give me a call after and we can figure things out then?”

Um… OK? Why not just make plans now? The concert would be shortf! We really don’t care anymore. He’s annoying and immature. Was he honestly still trying to line up the perfect Friday night? Hitting the clubs. Partying ‘til dawn. Really? And was in his late 30s.

For some reason, after the show we call him back. Don’t want to be rude. Silly girl.

The conversation goes something like this:


Us: “Hi. Are you still up for getting a drink?”


Indecision Boy: “I don’t know…”


Us: “OK… Leaving the show now and heading home so…”


Indecision Boy: “It’s just that I sort of have this thing going on…with this other girl.”


Us: “Uh…” (What?!!!? Why are you cruzin' bars?)


Indecision Boy: “She’s in school and she’s away right now. We're OK to see other people, but I don’t know if I want to do that. I mean I am really into her and she might come back to Seattle eventually. But on the other hand I’m really not into long distance relationships. I mean, have you ever heard of them working out? What do you think?"


Us: (OMG – are we really having this conversation? When did we become Dr. Phil?) “ Sure. Sometimes. If it’s meant to be and there is something real there, then yes, it can work out.”


Indecision Boy: “Hmmm… yeah. I don’t know.”


Us: “Well. It sounds like you have some stuff to figure out. Call us if you make up your mind....” (Not really. Don't call us. Ever. Ya freakshow.) 

Wonder if his long distance relationship worked out...he was alone at the bar on Saturday.

TOO MUCH?

Recently, a guy we'd gone on four or five dates with, arrived at our apartment to pick us up and - bonus - he gave us a present. 


It was a mix CD filled with love songs. Which could have gone either way at this point in our relationship. But, we decided to think it was romantic.


Until we realized that he had put on pink lipstick and kissed the envelope it came in. The front. The back was sealed with a kiss. And there was a final lipstick mark inside on the actual case!


This raised all sorts of uncomfortable questions: 

• Where did he get the lipstick and was it solely for this purpose?
• Why pink and not red or this season's "HOT" shade - coral?
• Does he have no friends? Ones with the sense to say "Don't, dude."
• Does he like other girly things like wearing panties?

These questions rattled around in our head all date long and, combined with him getting crazy-drunk and hanging all over us at a girlfriend's birthday party, sealed the deal. No more dates with this one.

FOR THE BIRDS

Last week our second date started off with guy telling us in full detail about a "crazy" girl he went on a date with three days prior. He was really trying to impress us with his open-minded nature.

We realize we want this date to be over as soon as possible and groan (inwardly, of course) when he suggests a walk around Greenlake. We agree to a short one. Which was filled with awkward conversation and making sure hands are occupied in case he tries to grab one. 

As we are walking back to his car, a crow swoops in and attacks the back of his head. A big, black crow! 

He yelled. Who could blame him? He wasn't bleeding. It took a lot of effort for us to not laugh as hard as the situation warranted. 

Seriously, getting swooped by a crow? That'll probably never happen again.

SINGLE, SENSITIVE MAN, LOVES ANIMALS...

Our friend went on a date once with a guy who told her he loved penguins. He even had a tattoo of a penguin. And, he was in a band. Which could be hot, right? But then he told her he wrote a song about having sex with a penguin.

What is wrong with people? Why do they let their freak flag fly onafirstdate?

SENDING THE WRONG SIGNALS

We had another strange interaction with a guy recently. No date. Just emails. It seemed to start with a miss-communication, but then spiraled into something angry...

You decide.

Subject: Wondering why most of you look but don't write.

My name is Matt. You look willing to answer.

I usually write to introduce myself. Dating is not a priority right now but I figured I might as well ask somebody this question and see what happens. Are most women so invested in being found by the right guy that spending a few minutes on a hello seems out of the ordinary?

Have a good weekend,

Matt

Our Response: 

Hi Matt,

You pose an interesting question. Our thought is that girls may look but not write for the same reason that many guys look at our profiles but don't contact us -- once viewing a person's profile we may not find that "something" that interests us. For the most part, if someone does contact us, we try to respond in some way. What are your thoughts? Do you make contact with each person whose profile you look at? If not, why?

We also have another question for you -- if dating is not a priority, why are you on Match? A girlfriend of ours was on this site a couple of years ago, and this came up with one guy she was emailing.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Cheers,
Chop Suey
His Response:

If I'm interested at all then I write. I can't help you there. I'm on a dating site because I can't turn off my biology regardless of my priorities and would overcome my current circumstances for the right person. 2009 was the toughest year of my adult life and my "type" would not need explanation, I hope. If you're just wanting input and don't see what value there might be in getting to know me, happy hunting and take care.
Our Response: 
Well, we apologize if we misunderstood the intent of your first email. Typically if someone is interested in getting to know us and emails us here, "dating is not a priority" is usually not part of the email. After reading your email, we truly thought that you were looking for input.

Best of luck to you in your search.

THE LIST

You help us decide - should we go out with this guy again?


1) He asked us out for coffee, but suggested a restaurant at 6pm.


2) He picked a restaurant quite near our house, so we put on our flatest flats and took a stroll. Too bad he said he was 5' 10 but he was actually shorter than us - and we aren't even 5' 5 barefoot!


3) He reserved a table for us (really sweet, we know) and specifically requested side-by-side seating (just us, or is this awkward?).


4) Apparently he goes to this restaurant a lot because he knew what he wanted before we even had a chance to open the menu and seemed impatient for us to decide.


5) He ordered two eggs sunny side up and hash browns (Weren't we just meeting for coffee? Isn't it dinner time?) and then inhaled everything before we had two bites of our sandwich.


6) He's not interested in travel (which might be OK for some people, but we SO love to travel). However...


7) He likes to read about other places and believes that reading is essentially the same as the real travel experience.


8) When the check came not only did he take us up on our offer to split it, he made sure the waiter knew that the sandwich was ours (it was two dollars more than his, after all).

F*ING DATING

We went on a first date with a guy who showed up in sweats and was already drunk (we think). During the hour we spent together he proceeded to slam three more drinks and said fuck at least fifty times. So loudly that other people in the bar noticed. We were mortified.

A CRUSH

Our friend has a lovely, shy 3.5 year-old daughter. Apparently she has an admirer. An older guy (he's 6). 


Here's the Story
Boy wants to have Girl over for lunch, but she's playing hard to get. Really, her shyness is getting the best of her.


Everyday lately, as they're leaving "school," Boy makes a point of saying goodbye to Girl. And his mom told our friend that one day after Boy said goodbye and Girl actually smiled and said goodbye back, (And here's the sweetest part.) Boy said to his mom "Isn't she beautiful when she smiles?"

THREE FOR THREE

In the past seven months we've been broken up with via:

Voice Mail

Text Message

Email 

Ahhh, the beauty of technology. Zero accountability. At least we haven't gotten dumped by a Post-It! 

(And, we admit it, we've played this game as well.)

FLAT

Moving to a new city is hard, especially if you’re single and know no one. We decided to join Match when we got to D.C. – the best way to shock us into a social life we thought. Our second date was with a guy who was a giant, goofy and floppy and strange.

Does he suffer from ADD, we wondered? Is he crazy? Unfortunately we downed three martinis as a coping mechanism, so when he went for the back rub, we didn't resist. Worse, we didn’t protest when he gave us a big, slobbery, goofy, floppy kiss.

Forgive us – extreme loneliness, tiredness and martini-ness made us weak.

And don’t you agree? Once we kiss someone, we feel almost obligated to go out with them again. 

In the time it took to get from date #1 to #2, we chatted on the phone a bit and learned the following:

- He was unemployed

- Living with his parents

- Usually stoned out of his mind on painkillers because of chronic back pain

- He was stoned out of his mind on our date

- Whenever he is constipated, his back pain acts up "real bad"

- He has urinary hesitancy (this means he can't pee in public. neat, huh?)

Clearly, when date #2 rolls around, we are not excited. We organize a squadron of new friends to come meet us at 8 (date starts at 7). We arrive on time – he’s not there. We order a mojito and nurse it. Get a text from him at 7:15: "HAVE YOU LEFT YET?" We call him back: "At the place. Been here for 15 minutes...you know, at the time we agreed to meet?" He is apologetic and says he'll get in the car right away.

45 minutes later we are wilting into our mojito. Nothing is more humiliating than being stood up by someone you're going on a pity date with. Areweright?? Friends show up and we bail. A half hour goes by and we have a voicemail from date:

"I was coming down Rock Creek Park when I hit a pothole and got a flat tire (cue sounds of cars whooshing by). Triple-A came and changed it and I'm on my way..."

We text: SRRY ABOUT UR CAR. WE’RE KINDA BENT OUTTA SHAPE FROM WAITING SO LONG FOR U, SO LETS CALL IT OFF. HOPE UR NITE GETS BETTER.

We turn our phone off. About an hour goes by, and when we turn it back on we are hit with  a barrage of angry text messages from him, along the lines of:

I CAN'T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME

I WAITED 2 WEEKS TO SEE YOU AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME

I THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL

etc.

We're shocked alright. We turn the phone off...and continue to have fun with the new friends.