FLAT

Moving to a new city is hard, especially if you’re single and know no one. We decided to join Match when we got to D.C. – the best way to shock us into a social life we thought. Our second date was with a guy who was a giant, goofy and floppy and strange.

Does he suffer from ADD, we wondered? Is he crazy? Unfortunately we downed three martinis as a coping mechanism, so when he went for the back rub, we didn't resist. Worse, we didn’t protest when he gave us a big, slobbery, goofy, floppy kiss.

Forgive us – extreme loneliness, tiredness and martini-ness made us weak.

And don’t you agree? Once we kiss someone, we feel almost obligated to go out with them again. 

In the time it took to get from date #1 to #2, we chatted on the phone a bit and learned the following:

- He was unemployed

- Living with his parents

- Usually stoned out of his mind on painkillers because of chronic back pain

- He was stoned out of his mind on our date

- Whenever he is constipated, his back pain acts up "real bad"

- He has urinary hesitancy (this means he can't pee in public. neat, huh?)

Clearly, when date #2 rolls around, we are not excited. We organize a squadron of new friends to come meet us at 8 (date starts at 7). We arrive on time – he’s not there. We order a mojito and nurse it. Get a text from him at 7:15: "HAVE YOU LEFT YET?" We call him back: "At the place. Been here for 15 minutes...you know, at the time we agreed to meet?" He is apologetic and says he'll get in the car right away.

45 minutes later we are wilting into our mojito. Nothing is more humiliating than being stood up by someone you're going on a pity date with. Areweright?? Friends show up and we bail. A half hour goes by and we have a voicemail from date:

"I was coming down Rock Creek Park when I hit a pothole and got a flat tire (cue sounds of cars whooshing by). Triple-A came and changed it and I'm on my way..."

We text: SRRY ABOUT UR CAR. WE’RE KINDA BENT OUTTA SHAPE FROM WAITING SO LONG FOR U, SO LETS CALL IT OFF. HOPE UR NITE GETS BETTER.

We turn our phone off. About an hour goes by, and when we turn it back on we are hit with  a barrage of angry text messages from him, along the lines of:

I CAN'T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME

I WAITED 2 WEEKS TO SEE YOU AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME

I THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL

etc.

We're shocked alright. We turn the phone off...and continue to have fun with the new friends.